So in case anyone would like to hear the songs that were on the EP I thought I’d make them available for download on Soundcloud:

1) Be kinder to yourself.

This is a brand new song that I wrote today. I can’t think of a name for it yet. I’ve been writing lots of songs about battles and bravery lately. I think this is why this song came about.

2) False Teeth.

This is either the first or second song I recorded as Blackberry Wine and it was released on “the look back time”. The story was kind of told to me by a drunk Irish man in a pub – so obviously it must be true.

When you are trying to promote your music I think it is customary to tell people before a major event takes place. For example if you are suddenly find you are about to play you first ever gig it is probably quite a good idea to let people know about it in advance. Unfortunately good ideas often pass me by and so 4 months after my first ever gig I find myself writing about how it happened…

4 years ago the more-lovely-than-I-can-describe Cosy Den Records released my EP. At the time they asked me if I would like to come and play in Sweden. It was such a nice kind offer and I daydreamed for some time before the coward in me turned it down.

I am afraid of many things ranging from the abstract fear of letting people down to nightmarish fear of people breaking into my house while I’m asleep and the slightly absurd fear of doctors, or needles, or doctors who have needles. However my most crippling fear has always been that I might find myself the centre of attention. In school my cheeks would burn brightly whenever I answered a question in class. In a social group I will loose my thread as soon as I notice I am the only one talking. And the idea of finding myself on stage – well that’s just plain terrifying. So naturally I let the pleasant daydream drift away consigned to the things I couldn’t possibly do.

Earlier this year Mattias announced the dates of the Cosy Den Festival. I’ve been wanting to go to this Festival ever since I first heard about it but boring stuff like work or money has got in the way in the past. This year though, I’d already got time booked off work and a quick search for flights told me that they weren’t so out of my price range. Fate! I told myself. And I formed and fixed a plan and set announced to my Swedish friends that I was coming.

Before long Mattias had asked me again if I wanted to play.
“I won’t be very good. I don’t know. Maybe?” shuffle, shuffle, mumble, mumble I replied.
“You can let me know nearer the time.” he said.

The months went by and I watched as bands got added to the rosta and I thought “If I just keep quiet I can just go to the festival and watch. I’ll stand in the dark in the crowd and be anonymous”

July arrived.
“Have you thought anymore about playing?” Mattias asked. Honestly, I really didn’t deserve such patience.
“umm… yes I think I want to. umm I’m not sure… When do I have to let you know by” And in that awkward sentence I realised how much I wanted to be brave enough to play.

Two weeks before I was due to fly out I spoke to Mattias again.
“ok I’ll do it.”
My heart was racing just at the idea of getting up on stage on my own. I felt dizzy when my name was added to the bill. I felt sick just looking at my guitar. What on earth was I thinking?

I don’t know if it is really possible to fall in love with a country or a place but that is the only way I can describe how I felt when I visited Stockholm for the first time a year ago. Something about the water and the light and the people made me feel like a taller more confident better version of me. Returning this summer felt like visiting an old friend. My fears about playing grew smaller just being there.

The festival wasn’t at all what I was expecting which is probably because I don’t have the imagination to conjure up anything quite so lovely. The gig was at a small yellow house near to a lake which I was reliably informed was an old punk venue.

I played quite early on. I can’t tell you a great deal about it. I kept my eyes shut pretty much the whole time. I shook a good deal. I came off stage in a daze unable to talk. Friends hugged me. Kind people told me they’d enjoyed my set. People poured wine for me and made room for me on their blanket.

And then slowly but surely realised I’d really done it and I could no longer think of myself as a person who couldn’t possibly play their songs live.

Later there was a bonfire, and people swam by moonlight, and we listened to a trumpet in the darkness as a bubble of happiness exploded inside of me.

I am really glad I listened to everyone who said that I should play. I can’t imagine it would have been possible to get a nicer more understanding audience anywhere else in the world. And I just can’t get over how lucky I was to play my first gig in such a beautiful place to such lovely people.

So now that I’m person who plays their songs live I plan to continue to doing this more often. The last couple of months I have been playing at some Open Mic nights and I hope to play some shows early next year. I’m not quite ready to cross “being on stage” from my list of fears but I it certainly lower down the list than it was.

PS If anyone has a show they would like me to play at I promise not to be as indecisive as I was with Mattias.